The weather man says it’s gonna rain tonight….
The kind of storm where the basement floods and you lose the lights….
Should have thought of that before….
‘Cause I’m not your blue sky anymore….
No matter what I did, or who I was. It was never enough.
Even when I broke my skin and lost my breath while giving you the world…
You were once my fallen star. I caught you and kept you, my wish coming true. The first person I felt like I could stay with. The first person I gave everything I could to. The first person I said goodbye to, instead of the other way around…
I took care of you.
I gave you a home, everything you asked for…
Once upon a time I would miss the taste of the sparks on your tongue, the sweet lullaby of your voice, drowning in the bright ocean in your eyes. I would miss sifting the golden sand that made up the smooth skin stretched tight across your face with my fingertips. I would miss your soft breath on the back of my neck, your arm draped over me, holding me close so I felt safe. Once upon a time I would miss that…
But I don’t miss anything.
I remember the day I thought I fell in love with you.
I remember that day, because for the first time in my life I thought that I had finally found a place I wouldn’t be pushed out of anymore. I thought you would hold me forever. You once said it yourself “I’m yours until you throw me away.” Who would have thought you would throw me aside, with the misinterpretations, lies, unanswered prayers, and broken promises. You wouldn’t wait for words, for explanations, for chances. You wouldn’t wait for me to catch up to you… to understand… You wouldn’t give even an inch to me… you wouldn’t give anything.
I feel like the waves are flooding the shore and I’m standing at the base of the cliff waiting to be washed away with the debris. You are the tide, always turning and eating at my sandy footprints, leaving only wet sand and a mere memory. But like a tide, there isn’t much to remember the next day. You are not a storm. You are not a sunny day. You are just another grey day that will one day fade into the rest.
I have nothing bad to say about loving you. Not anymore.
Love isn’t always enough.
And I’m sorry if I ever let you down.
But I know it’s okay. I know I did what I could.
I will probably always care for you. No matter what you say or do. No matter how many times you pushed me away and drove me to the ends of my sanity. No matter how stupid it is. I will always hope you are doing well and taking care.
I will remember the first time you said you loved me and how I believed the curve of your lips as you said the words. I will remember that and only that, because once upon a time I believed a lie. That’s what I will remember.
Because from everything that ends something begins. You are the fertilizer in the soil that I will grow something new from.
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Lydia Emily
