Dreamwalkin’

I keep having dreams about babies.

I’m not sure why. Last night I dreamed I had a 3 month old son, whom I kept forgetting everywhere I went. It was very weird. Part of me thinks it’s some weird mommy desire that’s just popping up right now. I know that I could not handle a kid right now, but I think that I like the idea of having one.

I’m not sleeping very well right now. I feel like I have a lot to say to everyone, and I hurt physically when I sleep. I really need a bed, as in a real bed. That would be nice.

Ready to Change

It’s 74 degrees outside and it is raining. Welcome to Oregon. The weather has been it’s bipolar self, matching my mood perfectly. It’s always like this.

I woke up today feeling the need to change. It’s something I have said a million times over, but I may follow through this time. I want to go back to the person I was back in the day. However, without a time machine I’m forced to improve on the person I am now; harder than it seems.

I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke unless I drink, and I don’t drink that much (anymore). I don’t have physical problems. I’m in decent shape; I can even say I’m a fairly attractive person on the outside. All my problems are internal. I need to change. My personality sucks. End of story.

I used to call myself a writer, because I felt I could establish a stronger relationship through the written word than I could in person. Maybe I was born lacking that gene that makes us capable of being good in social situations. Or it could be that I have a gene that makes me a bad choice for a friend. I really don’t know.

All I do know is this… It’s August 28, 2009 at 6:25 p.m. I am still living in the small town my parents brought me to when I was two years old. I’m in a relationship with a man I met two years ago, someone that I have gone through a lot with. I still go to school. I still hate my mother. I still have very few friends. I still say things I shouldn’t. I still make mistakes and learn from them. But I’m ready for a change, a big change. And this is where it starts. It starts now, and it starts with a choice.

So here goes, wish me luck.