There is this extreme lack of caring in the air. People pass by eachother without a word of hello, without a goodmorning, or how are you. Where did the expressions of social concern go? Its as if no one cares about anyone anymore. Is it just me or is true relationships close to dead. You are friends with people one minute, and then it’s dead the next. You look back on your life and see people you never talk to or even associate with anymore. Everything becomes cold and dark.We wonder why it is that people can die alone. We allow it to happen. What happened to the days when the children played in the streets together, without the fear of being kidnapped. What happened to the days when a girl could walk into a bar and have an innocent drink with a complete stranger without the penalty of rape? Why is it that we all pass eachother by and keep on living our lives as if we never needed to know those people?

I am driving down the highway. Cars speed past, I pass some too. I clutch the steering wheel like it’s my life. I accelerate and brake in time to the other vessels. I see people, hundreds a day. Maybe thousands. And yet I never stop to think about their lives, about who they are, about the things that matter. What are the things that make them feel alive? Am I missing out on an experience to grasp? I close my fists in rage. I close my eyes against the tears of indifference. I feel as if the world cares less about the others whom they share it with. We live our lives just thinking of the things we know, and not of what we can experience further.

In the Valley

On my own,
Where the tumbleweeds fade away and die,
Before the glassy sun burns a summer of crystals,
The glistering waters of the high seas
Of which was so far a place as of where vultures roam.
I looked around but you weren’t anywhere…
You used to say that you would never die,
But I took the wrong meaning into my heart.
Now the sea is wild with despair,
Deep blue like a prairie of flowers blue,
Where all rest in eternal peace.
I saw you at the end,
You and I, lovers of nature,
children of heaven and earth,
Your usually calm and heavenly eyes full of tears,
Bitterly falling one after one into a river,
Then the river of life turned red in blood.
My eyes watched in horror.
Slowly and deadly your heart became poisoned,
You disappeared without saying good-bye,
Not a word came out of your mouth.
You became like desolation in its grave.
When once the skies were a realm of stars
And the sun shone brightly in summer skies,
You were there to share the calmness;
But now I stand here in midst of the tall grass
And only the valley remains.

A Dandelion for Me

I am not much, but a restless dandelion:

a fancy name for a weed,

a flower like plant that scatters it’s seeds

with the winds sweet kiss.

This bright yellow flower

can grow almost anywhere,

in your yard, in the city sidewalks, in a garden too.

Yet when the time comes, it fades

to white and thousands of tiny flowers appear.

Only to let the wind catch me and blow me

away to plant my seeds elsewhere.

Jupiter and Mars

The sun had disappeared long ago beneath the horizon, and little stars were appearing on the quilt of gray sky. We carried the wood and built a stack behind the barn, drenched it in gasoline, and then watched the flames creep into the sky. Marshmallows were toasted and smooshed between graham crackers with a swipe of chocolate too. We ate and laughed, and watched the constellations grow bright. “I think that one’s Jupiter.” “No way that one is Jupiter- maybe it’s Mars.” Jokes exchange, and somehow the fire dies down, and we make our way to the trampoline. I scramble next to him, and pull the blanket tight around me and him. His fingers find mine beneath the feather down, and I run my thumb along his skin. He closes his eyes, and I wish him asleep, so that I can just watch the way his chest moves up and down. I turn away right before he opens his eyes, and look out into the night sky, where the stars are spelling, You love him but why?

October 4th, 2007

Can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

The pounding in my head is relentless.
I might as well have a marching band inside my skull; they play louder and louder until everything becomes a dull roar. The pain is terrible. I feel like the pain is unbearable.

I’m sure there is something wrong with me.

Everything else has been a mess of school, work, and life.

It’s like I’m trapped underwater trying to swim to the surface, but once I get close it just turns out that I was swimming the wrong way. The water fills my lungs, suffocates me till I can’t breathe.

Can you feel it crush you? Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There’s no running away from these things that hold you down
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you’ve shined this is surely not your best

It feels like Im fighting everyone, including Bill. Though its More like disagreeing and not really understanding where the other comes from. I want to tell him how scared I was when the accident happened. How that worry turned to anger when I found out he had been screwing around. And that I was only angry because I was scared that the next time around he might not be okay. But apparently my position is to be concerned not angry. I upset his mom when I said he needed to drive safer. But it was honesty, and I don’t think I said anything wrong. Then his older brother texted me to tell me that I should never “fucking talk” to his brother like that ever again. I feel like I have been made the bad guy, that they are just using my words as something to fall back on. They are all mad and angry and worried. But I still don’t feel like I said the wrong thing.
I spent three hours trying to get information about where he was, how he was, what had happened. I didnt cry. Not till days later. And when I finally did it didnt stop. I feel helpless and alone. I dont think anyone gets it. I cannot lose another person in my life. I won’t be able to handle it.

I wanna make sure everything’s perfect for you
If you only knew that’s not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up on these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

Hey ya I wonder if you have already figured out
All these things I tried to hide
All this time I’ve been hoping you don’t find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

Talking to him has depleted to nothing. We are barely talking. I think it is exactly what everyone wants. To see us fall apart. It’s not fair. Like last night he texted me to say that he couldn’t talk to me cause he was leaving the service area to go back to his parents’ place, but they have a phone. He could call me. But I guess I might be overly sensitive.

So I’m the king of all these things of this mess I have made
Such a waste what a shame my whole life is a fake
Well I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you that has torn at you for years
The alcohol the demerol these things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face

But then I start thinking he doesn’t want to.
I know he is hurt.
I know he is in pain.
But all it’s only a phone call.
This is the hardest part of it all.

I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you that has torn at me for years
I can’t get out of this dead skin I can’t shed my skin
I’m not sure where to begin why can’t I begin again
I can’t get under my dead skin I can’t shed my skin
Can I sleep ’til then

Death.

It’s true I speak to the dead, in letters, in my head, out loud.

I don’t find it sick or wrong. You may see me as crazy.

I believe that people never leave. And even if they do we still hold them in us somewhere.

It’s not always that easy to let go of the things that make us who we are, even if they are painful.

Some of the closest memories I hold are ones that are not pleasant:

Walks in a cold fall rain behind a black horse drawn wagon, the seat carrying the ashes of my grandfather.

Running across a field to get away from the screams I can’t silence.

Wiping the blood from my lips, icing a swollen eye.

These are things I hold onto, not because they are bad, but because they have changed me.

You learn to take these things and walk with them inside of you. You put them in their boxes and store them on the shelves, labeled and ready for reference at a later date. But they don’t leave just because they weren’t easy to get through. They stay for the same reason we wish they would go away.

Because they matter.

Twins

Written Oct. 2

I am two pieces of a person. Cut me in half and you will find one piece child and one piece woman. On the inside I’m really two people; one invincible and one replaceable.

They never told me to give up completely when I became an adult. They just told me to change my clothes, wipe the dirt off my face, and enter the real world. It was time to be held responsible for everything I do and say. So it began… you wash away the stains of innocence and lose the façade that everything is controllable. In the real world the only control you have is in the minor details and even then sometimes you learn to let go of those.

Written October 2nd, 2007.

Minutes turn into hours, hours into days…

The more time I am given the worse I get.

I’m stuck in this time, in this place, fighting for a way back out.

Back to a point in time where I was capable, when I was a good person.

I’m convinced in the end I will screw everything up.

I walk a path alone, one only I can decide to follow.

No one can help. They never have been able to.

And it’s so hard to be a part of everything.

Sometimes I think my whole life is a fake.

I think that deep down I’m not even alive.

I can’t break through the wall I’ve built.

I relate better to pain and death than anything else.

Even the best pieces of life can’t pull me free of all this.

I can’t get out.

I can’t change.

Not as much as I need to.

I’m hopeless.

I’m lost.

I’m alone.

I’m fighting my way back from the dead.

Freeing myself from a cage of thorns.

I cast glass on the ground I must walk.

I set myself up for complete failure.

I do it because I don’t know anything else.

I don’t understand honesty, love, grace, hope.

It’s too distant even for me.

Too much too fast

I watch the clock tick off more moments, erase parts of my life.

Things move without any choice by me. And in the end you cant stop it.

Cause when I’m with you I don’t really care
What they all want me to be
I just want you beside me

The week just gets slowly worse. Some things fall apart while others fix themselves. It starts with one bad moment and then snowballs.

Thursday:

I made up my mind. I’m not going to stay. I packed my bags and left. I didn’t say goodbye. There was no point. She didn’t care. I went to the only place I knew I could: my fathers. And I haven’t been back to the place I once called home.

Friday:

Everything was good until the phone call. Lydia, me and Kurrin were in a serious car accident. We are in separate ambulances on the way to Providence in Milwaukie. Honda destroyed. My Dad on a stretcher, his blood pressure up, in pain. I wanted to cry, but held it together. Stood strong. And everything was okay in the end.

Wednesday:

Cousin calls me a drama queen. My Dad asks my Aunt why she is being a bitch, even though she lives in Arizona and I could care less. Apparently I’m spreading rumors to the whole family even though the only two people on that side of the family I have talked to are my Dad & my cousin Mallory who both live with us. Aunt goes ballistic. The end or so I thought.

Thursday:

Dad tries talking to Aunt. She has nothing of it and freaks out again. She needs to grow up, he tries telling her this. She leaves. We all silently thank god because she is being ridiculous. We haven’t seen her since.

Later that afternoon I get another call. It’s Matt, my old neighbor, he tells me Bill has been in a car accident and life-flighted to the hospital. He is okay apparently. I text Shawn, Bill’s brother, he wont tell me much. Won’t even let me know where he is. I’m angry. He calls me to tell me that Bill has a fractured vertebrae and a broken collarbone. It’s probably worse than he is saying. I call around to the hospitals with landing pads. He is at Emanuel. I’m sick. Of course. Then I get a text from the fool himself. He is alive and apparently capable of texting. Gonna be in the hospital for a few days at least.

Friday

At this point I really want to either cry or just jump off a cliff, because things are not getting better. Only slowly worse. And I don’t think I can take much more.

I have to go to the hospital tonight. A part of me is scared. And I usually don’t feel that emotion.

would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there’s nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we’ll keep it running

But this time, I mean it
I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I’m trying, I’m trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow

Until we grow cold…

Written September 27th, 2007.

Bill was in a car accident. A bad one. His car is totaled.

He was life flighted to Emanuel downtown.

He has a fractured vertebrae and a broken collar bone.

Have not seen him yet.
Going tomorrow.

Im scared.